My Halloween Brexit Launch Day Hell

Bryant and May


Monty Python understood a key national trait. The British don’t hate. We dislike, we are annoyed, or we Don’t Care Terribly Much For This Sort Of Thing. We rather like silly. But thanks to a set of algorithms that placed a tiny number of confused questionnaire-answerers into the grasping hands of an even tinier number of power-hungry toffs, we have ended up with the first universally detested Prime Minister of the new century, our very own Clown Prince of Mirth, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, fantasist and racist, with the disapproval rating that places him beside Idi Amin as a fine leadership choice.

And unfortunately, my new Bryant & May book is launching on the very day of his coven’s master-stroke, Brexit Day, October 31st. So now it looks like the title ‘England’s Finest’ is endorsing this witless farrago. October 31st is, of course, the time when our worst nightmares come true.

On October 31st I lose my European Health Insurance Card, the card I always carry in my pocket that guarantees me free treatment in any EU hospital, and free movement will be prohibited by the deeply immoral Home Secretary Priti Patel, the pro-tobacco/alcohol lobbyist and anti-immigrationist.

I live in hope because the greatest feature of Great Britain is the extraordinary niceness of people. And I’m struck by the determination of Londoners to approach Brexit in a good-natured fashion. Flying over the countryside today in early morning sunshine, what a graceful and peaceful country it appears to be.

‘England’s Finest’ is set, like all Bryant & May books, in the London of my mind that I’m sure exists in many of our heads.  These are the cases that were hushed up and hidden away until now. Arthur Bryant remembers them as if they were yesterday. Unfortunately, he doesn’t remember yesterday, so the newly revealed facts will come as a surprise to everyone, including his exasperated partner John May.

There are twelve bizarre crimes to be solved without the help of modern technology, mainly because neither of the detectives really knows how to use it. Expect misunderstood clues, lost evidence, arguments about Dickens, churches, pubs and disorderly conduct from the investigative officers they laughingly call ‘England’s Finest’! I figure we’re all going to need cheering up on that day.

21 comments on “My Halloween Brexit Launch Day Hell”

  1. Debra Matheney says:

    Over the pond, we need cheering everyday! My heart goes out to you as Brexit reality looms over you. Trick or treat takes on new meaning. I believe Britain was tricked into Brexit as we were tricked into Trump. It will be a sad Halloween except for your new book, which I hope sells like hot cakes, as we say.

  2. Brooke says:

    This side of pond, good news: BoFA available Oct., followed by TLH in Dec.; we’ll have to wait for EF. Good luck with EF launch–Madame Blavatsky predicts large volume sales.

  3. Helen Martin says:

    I know we were told October but who set it on the thirty-first? We’ll turn our backs on reality and dive into the London of Chris’ mind, the place where we’d all like to spend a great deal of time. Can something be worked out with Europe before then? No? We’ll just have to soldier on then.

  4. Peter Tromans says:

    A quantum of solace.

  5. SteveB says:

    I think it would still be possible to cut a deal by Oct 31 if the people running the UK understood how Europe works, but I don‘t think they do.

  6. Roger says:

    Certainly bad timing.
    Could you persuade Boris Johnson to change his plans?

  7. Ian Luck says:

    You can’t persuade that imbecile to do anything. He’s the adult version of the purple-faced, screaming child lying on the floor in the sweet aisle of Asda. He makes a lot of noise to blot out everybody else, because he wants his own way. He’s very similar to that whining ex estate agent, (bankrupt several times, too), who pretends to be the American President, and won’t listen to, or have any ideas about, the truth.
    And for those who used to enjoy a jolly over to France in the van for cheap fags and booze – you can kiss that goodbye, as new Customs regulations come into effect. What? You never read the paperwork or thought that would happen before you voted ‘leave’? Oh. Shame.

  8. Jo W says:

    Roll on Oct.31st! Then I can have some more of the sanity of B&Ms’ world to take the edge off the madness that is to come. Besides,I could use another book to read (pile is at twenty nine,not counting three library books*)to take the place of television and radio news which is too bad and sad.
    * Good news Christopher, the library had five of your books on the shelf, bad news they were on the shelf ! Now, how to spread the word…………..

  9. John Howard says:

    Really looking forward to the sanity of B & M to drown out the madness that has become Britain for the moment. Oh for Ken Clarke to take over.

  10. Liz Thompson says:

    Pre-ordered Britain’s Finest as soon as I knew about it. Looking forward to more entertainment than I’ve had since the parliamentary Brexit debates. (Well, if you don’t laugh, you weep, and where does that get you?).
    Could Bryant & May solve the upcoming mystery of who assassinated Boris expletive-deleted Johnson on October 31st?

  11. Brooke says:

    A mol of solace?

  12. eggsy says:

    Meanwhile, we could all move to Greenland for a bit of peace and quiet….

  13. Peter Tromans says:

    The final round of Monty Python’s upper class twit of the year competition was shooting yourself. The competitors had some difficulty in gun operation and aim, but eventually succeeded and were lined up on the podium in their coffins. Who would you hope to see as Gold, Silver and Bronze in a 2020 edition?

  14. admin says:

    1. Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, obvs.
    2. Nigel Farridge, LOL
    3. Priti Patel, ffs

  15. Ian Luck says:

    I’m amused that Johnson thinks he’s in charge of B**x*t negotiations. He’s playing a game where he has no chips, and a hand of cards that includes two Jokers, an ‘Ant Man’ trading card, and an instruction card from a ‘Top Trumps’ deck. His opponents, however, have all the aces, and piles of chips. Sadly, Johnson has neither the intelligence nor imagination to see that he’s on a hiding to nothing.

  16. Helen Martin says:

    Careful about Greenland. That American First Baby is trying to buy it from the Danes. They’ve said no so far (and the Baby has canceled his state visit there) but who knows, they might change their minds.

  17. John Griffin says:

    Contrary to the comments on here, my politics chums (even the odd Tory) have been reporting gob-smacking levels of ‘let’s leave with no deal’ and ‘Boris’ll show them’ (honest!!!! I heard it twice in an hour) from punters, even those coming to councillor’s surgeries with debt problems.
    I am prebooking as usual, then I may be able to retreat into Bryant’s semi-sane world as distraction.
    Meanwhile AirBus are trying to relocate No1 son to Europe/Canada (he is a security manager). Daughter, who is a senior nurse in a major NHS premature baby Intensive Care Unit, was at a meeting last week where they were being asked to justify NOT being privatised (Virgin of course being one of the companies).
    You couldn’t make it up. Welcome to Pritti’s World.

  18. Helen Martin says:

    John, I’d heard that NHS were in as much difficulty as our Health system but that is insane! I can’t think of a less suitable corporation to go into the risky neo-natal department than Virgin. (If you can’t laugh you have to cry.) I hope your daughter and her colleagues came up with some good arguments. I can think of a few if she wants suggestions.

  19. Wayne Mook says:

    NHS privatisation, how about this, after privatising the cleaning in hospitals there was a sharp increase in infections in hospital and the rise of AMRs, anti-bacterial hand washes are in place because cleaner aren’t as they used to be.

    It will lose votes if anti-Brexiteers takes charge of hospitals.


  20. John Griffin says:

    Oh dear, the shit has now hit the fan. V for Vendetta territory approaching!
    Helen, my daughter has had an offer to lecture/practice in Sheffield, as well as a yen to work for Medecins sans frontieres. She is going to take one of those up.

  21. Helen Martin says:

    John, MSF would be ordinary regulated work while Sheffield would be exciting and operating on the edge (as it were) but what an interesting pair of options.
    Are we unhappy with Boris’ latest action? It sounds like closure to me and couldn’t HM refuse his request? Perhaps she’s tired of it all.

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