New Heights Of Vulgarity


Just when it seems that London’s bling-property economy may be faltering (as reported in the press this week), the ‘developers’ of the new FutureSlums (sorry, ‘Luxury Loft Lifestyle’ Apartment Buildings) at South London’s Nine Elms are planning to bring to our fair city, or at least 1% of 1% of London, this hilarious Six Senses-style leisure facility;


I love CAD, don’t you? It can make anywhere look like Monte Carlo. But this is Nine Elms, famous for the astounding pollution levels of its one-way systems, its dripping, creepy railway arches, its dodgy leather bars and shortly, its high-security zone surrounding the new American Embassy Fortress of Solitude. And we’ve never seen a cerulean sky like that over the area. Twitter pal Dave Skinner put the scene straight.


Oh, and here’s how it may or may not look from above, as shown to a handful of super-rich (who won’t ever use the pool anyway because hey, they’ll never see the building anywhere other than in their portfolios).


At least this time they got the pollution haze right, and that building behind it looks like the Baltic Exchange after the bomb went off. The sun loungers are a nice touch too, for anyone wishing to get a soot-tan. Bring a sweater.

Coming soon, the City Road Roller Coaster and the Kentish Town Zero Gravity Russian Lapdancing Bar.

6 comments on “New Heights Of Vulgarity”

  1. carl says:

    Excellent commentary at the end (soot tan) – snorted my tea onto my shirt!

  2. chris hughes says:

    What a terrific experience – shut in an aquarium with a view of grey skies above and nothing below but the tarmac! Wouldn’t mind giant dodgems round the Elephant and Castle though…

  3. Dave Skinner says:

    Crikey, I would’ve spent more than two minutes on it if I knew I was going to be famous!

  4. C Falconer says:

    Have they not read : Not the End of the World by Christopher Brookmyre which goes into detail about what happens when someone blows up a similar structure? (his was a hotel with the pool above the atrium – this is even worse). I took one look at that and thought no thank you!

  5. Peter Dixon says:

    How do developers define ‘Luxury’?

    Who actually believes that it IS luxury?

    Maybe the idea is to pay into a development so that when it’s built you can show other rich people and passing oligarchs a photo on your iPad? A development nobody wants to (or can afford to) live in as a piece of Bling.

    All distinctly Ballardian.

  6. MartinO'London says:

    Having a penthouse flat there means you can wave at the passengers going in and out of Battersea Heliport. Hope they’ve got sound-insulating windows.

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