12 Ways To Tell You’re In A Latin Country
Heading back for rainswept Britain after a week working abroad on ideas for a new thriller, I can’t help noticing cultural differences . Latins do things their way. Some observations;
1. After stealing your phone they use the sim card to call premium-rate numbers repeatedly until the phone is blocked. This is because they really, really like to talk.
2. Movie poster promises; ‘You will soil yourself with excitement’.
3. Two dogs get stuck together during intimacy. A crowd forms. Someone starts playing a guitar.
3. Want to invite everyone to your grandpa’s birthday party? Hold it after dark in a public park, with singing. All welcome.
4. PDAs. A lot of them, everywhere, all the time. In the streets and on the walls. This mural consists of photos of local kids and families, transferred to tiles and arranged in a way that would possibly be considered inappropriate in the US and UK. (Mind you, the French just erected a giant butt plug in a Parisian Square – see yesterday’s papers.)
5. No fancy little yellow-and-gold train taking tourists around the picturesque spots, but there is a cab driver in a car full of smoke who’ll show you his favourite girlie bars.
6. At 10pm you can always smell prawns cooking somewhere.
7. Nobody watches TV at home. TV is for bars. The bigger the screen, the worse the food.
8. When they say a restaurant is full, they mean it’s really full. They’ll serve you if you bring a chair from your flat.
9. More than eight people standing in a group means they’re about to start dancing.
10. Buy some groceries, counter clerk throws in a free cake because it’s fiesta.
11. Car is less popular mode of transport than unicycle, tandem, motorised skateboard and a thing that looks like a lawn-mower with cinema seats.
12. October. Tourists in bikinis. Locals in scarves.
I just noticed a couple of further points;
13. Visit a perfectly preserved, valuable national monument – climb on it, maybe have a picnic.
14. Go for breakfast at 10:00am – be the first one there. Breakfast is accompanied by three things – the best coffee in the world, flies and an accordionist.