Grumbler’s Corner: Tesco Pizza


To quote Jack Lemmon in ‘The Prisoner of Second Avenue’, ‘If I’d have known food was going to get this bad, I’d have saved some rolls when I was a kid.’

Which brings us, as bad food so often does, to Tesco, the shop once owned by Westminster arch-crim ‘Lady’ Porter. When their employees manage to take time off from falsifying projected profits (allegedly) they like to come up with other wheezes for their ‘Finest’ (i.e. more expensive) range. Here’s a good one.

Behold the plumpened pizza promising rostello ham (whatever that is) and some kind of cheese. It’s hard to imagine anything less appetising that isn’t a Ginsters pie, but I was desperate.


So delicious, you’d think, especially when you’ve just returned from travelling through countries where the food is prepared within recent memory of having died. But plumpened it is not, because upon opening it we come to a really shoddy trick. The pizza dough has been prepared over what can only be called a polystyrene hubcap in order to give it a convex plump shape. Break an egg on it the pizza’s shield-shaped surface and it will slide right off.



Tesco loves little tricks like this. So what makes them think that once a customer realises they’ve been gypped, they’ll ever trust that product again? Having just seen supermarkets where you choose your fish in the tank (as Londoners used to do at McFisheries) what on earth makes Tesco think that sticking rural pokerwork handwritten logos on their dried-up, meagre products will trick anyone into believing they’re artisanal?

Having read about the Portuguese author whose new book complains about the awfulness of English food, I can’t say I fully agree – great food is there if you’re prepared to pay and search – but many of our supermarkets give food a bad name.

From now on I’ll seek out purveyors of real food, and not hubcap pizzas.

3 comments on “Grumbler’s Corner: Tesco Pizza”

  1. DC says:

    I take it you won’t be trying their “Every Day” version then!!

  2. snowy says:

    That just looks nasty, false bottom or not, [ready made pizza is really nothing more than cheese on toast with ‘sprinkles’.]

    Therefore: if you just want a molten cheese fix.

    Mix together:
    225g cheese grated [Something with a bit of tang, a mature cheddar will do.]
    30g butter
    1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
    1 tbsp English mustard
    2 tbsps beer [or wine or milk]
    Slice of Ham chopped up into thumb nail sized bits*. [Wiltshire preferably]

    Warm a Panini under the grill, split in half, spread half the mixture on each piece and return to the grill until bubbling and starting to brown. Serve with the rest of the beer/wine.

    [If the ‘Health Police’ are watching slide some ‘wafer thin’ tomato slices on top before grilling.]

    [*Or ditch the Ham and replace with 2 rashers of grilled, smoked back bacon chopped up, this can be cooking under the grill while grating and mixing the cheese mixture.]

  3. Mim says:

    You’re in London, there must be a decent pizza place somewhere accessible!

    I make my own pizzas, but with three hours’ rising time for the dough, it’s never a quick process. Otherwise I pop round the corner to a very good local takeaway.

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