Monthly Archives: December 2013
Keeping with the theme of Peter Greenaway, composer Michael Nyman re-edited the walking shots from ‘The Draughtsman’s Contract’ to allow his music to play. The film is an intriguing murder mystery that plays like a moving Spot The Difference picture; an arrogant draughtsman demands sexual favours from his client ‘s wife in return for twelve […]
(Bryant and Maggie Armitage) He paused to take a good look at his old friend Maggie Armitage. ‘What happened to you?’ The Grade IV White Witch and leader of North London’s Coven of St James The Elder was spattered in pink paint, not a nice pink either, but a shade that could best be described […]
Not content with selling seasonal caganas (squatting, shitting figurines) of political figures, Christ, football teams and Disney characters (how come they haven’t sued?) here in Barcelona, try these delicious Christmas desserts, turds in chamber pots, complete with what looks like blood and bits of sweetcorn. Mmmmm!
(A typical Bryant & May minor character appearance) The Café Montmartre (Open 24hrs For Hot Snacks) was the second most inappropriately named restaurant ever to appear in central London (the first was the Beverly Hills Nail Salon, Whitechapel). The owner, a former nightclub promoter called Alfie Frommidge, had changed the name from Alf’s Cafe in […]
Britain has a strange love/hate relationship with art and artists. Most of our painters were and are at best mediocre (don’t get me started on the Emperor’s-New-Clothes world of Emin and Hirst). Go into an old country house and there’ll be a Stubbs and a Reynolds, and that’s it. It took a long time for […]
(Sergeant Janice Longbright attempts entry into a group that meets in a pub) ‘I’m here for the Conspirators’ Club,’ said Longbright. ‘Well of course, you would say that, wouldn’t you? You could have read that on our website. Anyone could have read that, found out the address and just come in here off the street, […]
A flashmob with a difference, as Dutch actors recreate Rembrandt’s ‘The Night Watch’ in a shopping mall.
(Bryant and his landlady on his habits) ‘Are you insinuating I don’t keep a clean house?’ asked Alma, mortified. ‘All these years I’ve been looking after you, with your spilled chemicals and your disgusting experiments. Who fed rotting pork to carnivorous plants on top of his wardrobe during the heatwave of 1974?’ ‘That helped me […]
Of all the things that take some explaining about British culture, one of the most complex and difficult is the traditional acceptance of drag. For as long as I can remember, men have dressed as women on national television, and have hosted family and kiddie TV shows. What’s always been unique about this strand of […]
(Coroner Oswald Finch on the Peculiar Crimes Unit) ‘Good God, look at your resources, they’re embarrassing. You’ve no crime lab of your own, you’re forever cadging equipment downtime from the Met. We live in an era of mitochondrial DNA matches, environmental signature indices and psychological profiling, and you’re still sullying crime scenes with your sausage […]