The Future Isn’t What It Used To Be
‘The future is where you and I will live’ – wasn’t it the Great Criswell who said that in ‘Plan Nine From Outer Space’?
Once we had dreams of flying cars, jet-packs, matter transmitters, foldaway homes, tiny phones and flat TVs you could hang on the wall – and only the last two came true.
But it’s worse than that. It turned out that in the brave new world of instant communication we would have to rely on the old-fashioned hand-delivered post more than ever before – except that in 1900 there were eight posts a day in London, and now there’s just one in the middle of the afternoon, or sometimes one every other day. And those electronic gadgets that would instantly provide us with information became reliant on delivery systems that became quickly overloaded.
My friends on the outskirts of London get 100 meg speeds – here in the very epicentre, I get just 2 meg downloads, and after 5:00pm there’s no point at all in even going online most nights. Why? Because useless behemoth Sky decided that the inner city, where there are relatively few privately-owned residential homes, could do without an upgrade for another year.
What else did we get from the future? Science? Oh, the PS4, which will put your face onto a swordfighting rabbit, probably.
Transportation? Well, the tube system is creaking on, most cars are as ugly as trainers, planes are cattle-cars with wings.
Fashion? Dress like your great-grandad on ration book starvation diet. And don’t look weird in any way, like they did in the whacky sixties, seventies and eighties.
Politics? The Tories got re-elected and Boris Johnson will probably be the next PM because he knows some Latin. And the Bank of England just suggested their big idea – negative interest rates.
Nutrition? The cynical supermarkets got caught feeding us horses, just because they could. At least it might mean the return of the high street butcher.
Human knowledge? The jury members in the Vicky Pryce case were too dim to be able to figure out why they were there.
The planet? New research shows that nobody cares about global warming anymore, despite the fact that it will wipe out the remaining glaciers in just a few years (and now I’ve seen the effects for myself).
Medicine? Staffs hospital. ‘Nuff said.
Nature? The last wild elephants, rhinos and tigers are expected to reach extinction much sooner than predicted.
So the future is basically walkie-phones, little tellys and shops selling 1950s cupcakes. Glad I hung around for that.
All further evidence that everything’s going backwards received here – don’t post it by mail, it’ll never get here.