Going To ‘The Countryside’


This post is for city dwellers only. You’re not allowed to read it if you live within 5 miles of a cow.

Okay, urbanites…you know the countryside? Think hard, you must know. It’s where the dirt lives. No Apple stores. No parks. Weird phone reception. The local town has an Indian Restaurant called the Maharajah Curry House, a one-way system, mobility scooters and about 200 charity shops.

And I’m going there this weekend. Into the damp, the mud, the place full of tree-things. My hosts asked me if I’m bringing my own wellingtons. I had to stop and think for a minute to remember what they were. The last time I saw a pair, I was seven. All I’m taking with me are my cold germs, some moisturiser and seventy two sweaters. I’m not sure what we’re going to do there, water the goats or milk the hens or plant straw or something.

I’ll be in Somerset, which I think is in Scotland or possibly Belgium. To get there, I have to catch a ferry, a car, four buses, three trains and a donkey. I’m not taking my laptop as I don’t think they have wi-fi, or lights, or running water.

I’m going on Saturday. I’ll be back Sunday. That’s, like, a whole day wasted.

8 comments on “Going To ‘The Countryside’”

  1. stephen groves says:

    Hi Chris,
    Now you will know why they have cider.
    Have a great time
    all best

  2. Alan Morgan says:

    Oh dear, that’s the townie reserve you’re talking about. When you lot aren’t there local schools visit it, living history and all that. There’s only mud in carefully maintained reserves and we laugh at your primitive ‘Wifi’ – you lot just can’t leave the Blitz behind, what with your cranky old iPhones (a physical phone – laughable) we’re surprised you don’t come here with baggage labels pinned to your pullies still.

    If you head off the Disney towns and villages set up by Somersetland and The Lakes Experience we’ve all got hover boards, and our farts smell of cinnamon. Just keep an eye out for the lysergic bubbles, our year-round glorious sunshine, and our eternally youthful populace.

    You bunch of fucking Morlocks :0)

  3. admin says:

    I didn’t know you lived in Turnipland, Alan. Check out Stewart Lee on people who move to the country:

    ‘Come and visit us, it’s great. Please come. PLEASE come. Bring coke.’

  4. Alan Morgan says:

    ‘It’s like living in an endless edition of Top Gear.’ One of the very best is Stewart Lee. I’m close to Cockermouth. Which is the Dharma village on the Lost island that is Cumbria.

  5. Jennifer says:

    Should be charming. And the air should be fresh.

  6. porl says:

    Hope you’ve left yourself enough time to get your currency before you set off………

  7. Ford says:

    In Totnes, they do have their own currency!!

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