Trolls, There Are Some Things We Need To Discuss
Yesterday the president of America introduced yet another layer of check-ups on all arriving overseas passengers, effective immediately. When I politely mentioned this on Twitter I got a tsunami of poisonous racist mail back. You called me ‘Bitch’ and told that London was in fact ‘Londonstan’. You mailed me hate-photos of British Muslims.
Which was rather a shock, because I don’t remember such behaviour when I lived in your country, even though there were no trolls then.
It’s only right that incoming passengers should do some checking up on you. After all, you have the highest number of guns per head in the world (and not by a little, either; by a whole extra digit!) We’re the ones in danger. Perhaps you could provide some reassurances before we fly?
Just how at risk are we? We still haven’t forgotten that you killed our Beatle.
Are you aware that you have the rudest customs officials in the world? Could you ask them to be a little more polite when we enter? Maybe have a smile and a cup of tea ready?
Is it a legal requirement to take dinner at 6:30pm? The earliest we eat is 8pm. Is that cool with you? We only tip if there’s something very special about the service. Will the waiter get upset if we leave a sixpence?
There’s an elephant in the room, and its name is Trump. He seems to be insane. Is it safe to discuss politics in public?
Your president is about to give massive tax breaks to your richest citizens. Our mayor is about to raise levels of affordable housing for our poorest citizens. Which do you think is the better idea?
There’s nowhere in England that I don’t feel completely safe, even in Dover. Are there any less than 100% safe places in America we should know about?
We’re Europeans. We like little meals, tiny tasters, amuses bouches, skinny jeans, tight tops. We do not like great plates full of pie and fried chicken and burgers. Can you arrange something lighter for us?
We get upset when you make your movie villains British. Could we suggest you pick on the French instead, like everyone else?
We can see that right now trolls have a bit of an image problem. Don’t get us wrong. We know that only a small, rude minority shouts hate-abuse on Twitter. But for now, while you’re checking us out, we need to do the same. You understand, it’s for everybody’s safety.
PS I am still receiving hate-mail two days after I was forced to delete the tweet.