That Trump Hair Explanation In Full
From universal laughing stock to ‘short-fingered vulgarian’ (cf Spy magazine) to golf course bully to Tweet-narcissist, you couldn’t make up Donald Trump because nobody would believe you. With Toad (Boris Johnson) and Ratty (Nigel Farage) now creeping around him looking for crumbs from the table the story’s twists become increasingly surreal.
But you know all this. What you may have missed is that back in 2011, before Trump invited a TV show host to touch his hair and apparently ‘humanised’ himself, I dug out an explanation of his hair-care regime. I make no apologies for reprinting it here.
‘When a Guardian reporter attempted to tackle a story on Donald Trump’s collusion with the Scottish authorities to build another crappy golf course in an area of outstanding natural beauty, Trump apparently sent his thugs around to swipe the journalist’s camera. Full story here. Thank God I’m English and it couldn’t happen in this country. (Pause to allow full irony of statement to settle in).
If you thought that Trump has mad hair, did you ever stop to consider what his thought processes must be like? Presumably a combination of Robert Mugabe, Bill O’Reilly and, oh I don’t know, Caligula, a dog or a small piece of felt.
Donald Trump’s own explanation for his Special Needs Haircut appeared in a Rolling Stone article. His bizarre justification for a combover could become a future standard test for mental illness.
“OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things. This morning I read in the New York Post about Jerry Seinfeld backing out of his commitment to do a benefit for my son Eric’s charity. I’ve never been a big fan of Jerry Seinfeld — never dug him, in the true sense — but when I did The Marriage Ref, which was his show and a total disaster, I did him a big favor. Then he did this. It’s a disgrace.” He goes on, “I also watch TV. I love Fox, I like Morning Joe, I like that the Today show did a beautiful piece on me yesterday — I mean, relatively speaking. OK, so I’ve done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb.” He pauses, frowning, casting his mind back to capture the details of the event. “Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it forward.” He pushes the leading edge of the flying wing of his hair back, to show where the hairline is. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it’s not really a comb-over. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back. I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time.”
Which is more than he’s ever said about the burgeoning humanitarian crisis in the Congo.
He should get on particularly well with Boris. Although if you were to dress them in matching outfits and stand them beside a panel van within 500 metres of a school they’d be instantly arrested.
All I keep thinking is; ‘Where’s Spitting Image when you need it?’ But perhaps in a year’s time when won’t be able to have Spitting Image-type jokes, because there will be no free writers. Let’s this be a lesson, Gen-Y on both side of the Atlantic – next time, exercise your vote!