That Trump Hair Explanation In Full



From universal laughing stock to ‘short-fingered vulgarian’ (cf Spy magazine) to golf course bully to Tweet-narcissist, you couldn’t make up Donald Trump because nobody would believe you. With Toad (Boris Johnson) and Ratty (Nigel Farage) now creeping around him looking for crumbs from the table the story’s twists become increasingly surreal.

But you know all this. What you may have missed is that back in 2011, before Trump invited a TV show host to touch his hair and apparently ‘humanised’ himself, I dug out an explanation of his hair-care regime. I make no apologies for reprinting it here.

‘When a Guardian reporter attempted to tackle a story on Donald Trump’s collusion with the Scottish authorities to build another crappy golf course in an area of outstanding natural beauty, Trump apparently sent his thugs around to swipe the journalist’s camera. Full story here. Thank God I’m English and it couldn’t happen in this country. (Pause to allow full irony of statement to settle in).

If you thought that Trump has mad hair, did you ever stop to consider what his thought processes must be like? Presumably a combination of Robert Mugabe, Bill O’Reilly and, oh I don’t know, Caligula, a dog or a small piece of felt.

Donald Trump’s own explanation for his Special Needs Haircut appeared in a Rolling Stone article. His bizarre justification for a combover could become a future standard test for mental illness.

“OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things. This morning I read in the New York Post about Jerry Seinfeld backing out of his commitment to do a benefit for my son Eric’s charity. I’ve never been a big fan of Jerry Seinfeld — never dug him, in the true sense — but when I did The Marriage Ref, which was his show and a total disaster, I did him a big favor. Then he did this. It’s a disgrace.” He goes on, “I also watch TV. I love Fox, I like Morning Joe, I like that the Today show did a beautiful piece on me yesterday — I mean, relatively speaking. OK, so I’ve done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb.” He pauses, frowning, casting his mind back to capture the details of the event. “Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it forward.” He pushes the leading edge of the flying wing of his hair back, to show where the hairline is. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it’s not really a comb-over. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back. I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time.”

Which is more than he’s ever said about the burgeoning humanitarian crisis in the Congo.


He should get on particularly well with Boris. Although if you were to dress them in matching outfits and stand them beside a panel van within 500 metres of a school they’d be instantly arrested.

All I keep thinking is; ‘Where’s Spitting Image when you need it?’ But perhaps in a year’s time when won’t be able to have Spitting Image-type jokes, because there will be no free writers. Let’s this be a lesson, Gen-Y on both side of the Atlantic – next time, exercise your vote!

8 comments on “That Trump Hair Explanation In Full”

  1. Vivienne says:

    Yes, Obama could step in the shower, step out and go. Even Hillary wouldn’t take Trump time to get ready. Only positive, less time to meddle.

  2. SteveB says:

    I honestly think it’s unfair to compare Boris to Trump. Boris is actually interested in other people and other cultures for a start. Though I’ve got to admit the hairstyles match.

  3. admin says:

    I supposer you’re right, although they both have the same ego flaw. Trump is educationally a dunce and bombastically tries to gloss over it, Boris has an ADD-afflicted attention span that brings everything back to him.

  4. Mooosy says:

    “He should get on particularly well with Boris. Although if you were to dress them in matching outfits and stand them beside a panel van within 500 metres of a school they’d be instantly arrested.”

    Pahahhaha 😀

    Of course it is true.

  5. Helen Martin says:

    I read a transcript of Trump’s press conference put out with annotations by PBS and I have never read so much about so little before. Everything was “great, simply great” unless it was “fake, it’s just fake news” and “you’re a phony and a fake.” He has a minuscule vocabulary with very few adjectives or adverbs and doesn’t seem able to complete a sentence. You don’t need an education to speak in public but a knowledge of the subject matter helps and a basic respect for other people would also be a good thing. I don’t know about Boris since our media seem to ignore him.

  6. Jan says:

    IF this rumour is true about the president erect (!) $tarring in his own pornography vid it does put a whole new spin on things. Like some twisted porno version of the Manchurian Candidate..with Putin and his henchman pulling Trumps marionette strings.
    You couldn’t make this stuff up.

    Perhaps even scarier than Trumps demise is this Pence stepping forward.

  7. This is another crashing bore of a story from one of my most favorite authors. I’m so disappointed. I discovered the Bryant and May series and have happily been working my way through them. Well written, wonderful characters, great mysteries, the London side of the narrative always captivating. I can’t say enough for Christopher Fowler recommending him to all my fellow writers and reading friends. WHY oh why did this have to happen? Why mess in American politics and make hay out of the tiresome Trump bashing? It invites comments like those above that say, ‘haven’t had am original thought in can’t remember when.” There is a whole world out here, folks, that are now known as the deplorables and proud of it. Give it a rest. As for Mr. Fowler, please stick to what you are marvelous at and out of American politics.

  8. Timbo says:

    Tiresome Trump bashing? Hmmn,
    Firstly, that is something i will never tire of.
    Secondly Trump is a proven bully (See “You’ve Been Trumped” amongst many incidents).
    And thirdly… stay out of American Politics? How, pray, are we to do that, since whatever the President does in “international waters” is going to directly affect both us, here in the UK, and elsewhere around the world.
    No. Not a crashing bore of a story. Just more grist to the mill of those who are horrified by what he could, and probably will do, both to many Americans, as well as the rest of us. It speaks to his narcissism, the narcissism of a 5 year old. A man who picks Twitter fights with Bueaty pageant winners… or indeed ANYONE who appears to disagree with him. Statesmanlike??? Sorry, no.

    Please, Mr. Fowler, feel free on my, and many other’s behalf’s to continue to poke fun at this horrible man, because that is all we will be able to do during what will inevitably be 4 years of jaw dropping policies, erosion of peoples rights, etc. etc. And always remember, that behind him, stands Pence, who supports “Intelligent Design” (an oxymoron if i ever heard one) is openly antagonistic to the LGBT community, and is quite probably more frightening than Trump.

Comments are closed.