A Merry Christmas To All My Readers

Great Britain

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Here’s more Christmas cheer for you from today’s papers. Some of it may be apocryphal, ie. from the Daily Telegraph.

London is on high alert for a terror attack. I live 500 yards from its epicentre.

Apparently there’s ‘Christmas weather travel chaos’ as storms batter Britain. Not in London.

Of course we can’t get anywhere in London anyway. No public transport runs on Christmas Day, unlike in the world’s other major cities.

Monty Python’s Terry Jones has been left unable to speak by dementia. Rick Parfitt from Status Quo has joined this year’s exclusive list of dead people. Carrie Fisher’s not looking too well.

Britain is not going to sign the international accord to stop multinationals avoiding tax, and pubs are about to be hit with a giant hike in rates, meaning many more closures.

The big breaking story in the Daily Mail; ‘Customer fury as Christmas dinner deliveries blighted by missing items.’

The Guardian is running a Christmas quiz; ‘How likely are you to become homeless?’ It also has an article on low sperm counts by a vicar headed; ‘I prayed for my testicles.’

Trump’s in trouble for corruption and he hasn’t even started his job yet.

Britain is now apparently experiencing a massive swing to ‘Remain’ in its ‘Leave’ areas. The words ‘horse’ and ‘stable door’ spring to mind. The Quisling Farridge is going to America, where someone will hopefully exercise their right to bear arms the next time he tries to tell everyone what to do.

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Brighton & Hove council has stopped swimmers taking the traditional Christmas Day dip by closing off beaches because the water might be cold. Funny, they never stopped town planners turning a once-graceful Edwardian coastal town into a rubbish dump.

There’s a heatwave in the Arctic for the second week running. Said one scientist, ‘Santa will be overdressed, and should think about switching to a light plastic mac.’

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Harry Potter is going to become even more ubiquitous in 2017. People are paying up to a thousand pounds for a stick. There are now four theme parks, two shows, seven books, eight feature films and vast takings for the first of possibly seven ‘Fantastic Beasts‘ films. I live 500 yards from the Harry Potter platform, and all of its wonderful visitors who daily queue for a selfie.

Even Her Majesty the Queen looks fed up (see above).

‘And as for next year,’ said Tiny Tim, ‘God help us, every one.’

Let’s have a song. This is from the marvellous productions of ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ and ‘Love’s Labour’s Lost’ at the Haymarket. A Very Merry Christmas to you!

 

15 comments on “A Merry Christmas To All My Readers”

  1. Stephen says:

    Merry Christmas Chris.

  2. Brian Evans says:

    Good old admin……”Always look on the bright side of life” te tum te tum te tum te tum te tum
    “Life’s a piece of s*** when you look at it….”

    Happy Christmas Chris, and partner and everyone on here.

  3. Jo W says:

    Happy Christmas to you and Peter,Chris and a peaceful New Year to us all,from me and ‘im indoors.
    I shall be opening my present to myself later- a copy of The Casebook of Bryant and May! Just like having a grown ups Christmas Annual.:-) Cheers fellow readers!

  4. Vivienne says:

    Merry Christmas, one and all!

  5. Rachel Green says:

    Seasonal greetings to you, sir.

  6. Roger says:

    Bah! Humbug!

  7. Merry Christmas, and all the best for 2017

  8. SteveB says:

    Merry Xmas!!!

    Well all that cheerfulness is where reading the Guardian gets you.

    Hey maybe Bryant and May should do a crossover into Potter world. UKIP leader mysteriously disappears from platform 9 3/4.

    By the way I saw Terry Jones 2 or 3 years back at a bfi event and it was already sadly obvious the way things were going.

  9. Adam says:

    A very merry Christmas to you and yours! 2017 can only be an improvement on 2016, can’t it?

  10. George Mealor says:

    Merry Christmas to you and yours!

  11. ebeach says:

    Merry Christmas to my favorite author & blogger
    Ed

  12. Helen Martin says:

    As happy and/or merry a Christmas as you have ever known, everyone. The sun is shining here, no wind and just a crispish sort of cold. The hair dresser’s adult daughter came through brain surgery this week – they removed three aneurisms and she is now recovering. There, a piece of truly good news, even though you don’t know them.

  13. Lynchie says:

    A belated Merry Christmas and a Humbug-Free New Year.

  14. Davem says:

    Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

  15. Lorraine says:

    Hope you had a very merry Yule Chris:) Have a cracking 2017….thank goodness we have your wit and wisdom in this increasingly bewildering, wacky world! x

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