Eight Trends That Shot Right Past Me
As we enter the PBTTF period of 2015 (Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?) I am already realising that certain things are happening without my knowledge. I know this will occur at a greater and greater speed, partly because I am not hanging out with The Youngs as much as I did and partly because I don’t actually need to know about girlfriend-battering rappers. ex-rapist footballers or lo-fi folk singers with interesting beards – although I am still addicted to stories of cheating politicians.
This year, I have already started to slip behind. Here are some of the things I apparently missed;
1. Britpop has returned with a bang. The top 10 singles this Christmas were, for the first time in history, all British. The Number One Christmas single was Ben Hanoi’s autotuned-sounding ‘You’ve Got Something I Need’, which reminded me of Mud, Slade and maybe Human League Christmas hits from the past all rolled into one. Verdict: Same Old Same Old.
2. Men’s belts no longer have holes in them. They’re slightly stretchy and you poke the tine of the buckle through the weave. They hold your jeans up much better, and you will never, ever go back to the old kind. Verdict: Brilliant!
3. While vinyl came back, several things became obsolete. Hardly anyone now uses a dedicated phone line or a separate sat-nav but we’re also being told DVDs are dead because 4K streaming is already replacing the need for discs. Except that according to Forbes magazine, this is simply not true. DVDs have carved out a niche market just as hardback books have, and it’s stable. I watch REALLY obscure movies from around the world, and hardly a single one is available to me as video stream. So I’ll stay with the discs, which will now be ‘for enthusiasts’.
4. FOMO became last year’s hot acronym, and if you still don’t know what that is, you’ll have a Fear Of Missing Out. A ‘Duff’ is a Designated Ugly Fat Friend’ you keep to make yourself look good. ‘Hitting’ is to make love, as in ”Did you hit that?’. Charming. Actually these were probably all created by movie studios to make it look like they know what’s hip. They don’t. They never did.
5. The Lumberjack Look is back in, but moustaches are replacing beards. This means all men can now look like late 1970s gay icons regardless of sexual orientation. Now that’s what I call a level playing field. By my reckoning this makes it 1978. By the time it gets back to combat strides (1983) I’m outta here.
6. Children suddenly got much more adult. A friend asked a little boy she knows what he got for Christmas. He said ‘DRM-stripping software and moisturiser’. He’s eleven. Me, I wanted a cowboy outfit – and I don’t mean Royal Mail.
7. Hollywood is still remaking the rest of the world’s movies and pretending they thought of them; the latest is ‘The Loft’, a Dutch thriller I saw about 5 years ago. From the trailer, it looks as if (surprise) they’ve screwed it up.
8. The Youngs aren’t drinking and are hardly doing meat or drugs other than the odd spliff, which doesn’t count. But only the middle-class ones. The darlings have to get on with their careers. The rest of us, as you were.
The only solace I take from all of this is that my partner is far less aware of all this than even I am, viz a jaw-dropping question over this weekend, to wit: ‘So, was Elton John one of the Beatles then?’