Blog / 2013

Christopher Fowler
(Mr Arthur Bryant on the subject on carrying on) 'You could smarten yourself up a bit. You have new bosses now. It's important to stay on top of things.' 'And how am I supposed to do that at my age?' cried Bryant indignantly. 'I'm not fashionable. I'm not technical. I'm not meant to be there. I'm not even meant to be here.' Alma sat on the edge of the bed. Bryant pulled at the duvet, resenting the…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Another ending) Arthur Bryant went with him, and stayed by his side until the orderly came to take his old friend down for surgery. As John May passed through the doors, he raised his head from the pillow and gave a look back at his great friend that said I know what you're about, and don't you ever forget it. Everything is understood between us. The framed photograph placed behind the bar of the…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Arthur Bryant on ageing) On his way out, he stopped by the concession stand. 'Can I take one of these?' he asked, indicating the programmes. 'I'm a pensioner.' 'I'm afraid senior citizens have to pay just like everybody else,' said the old lady behind the counter. 'Well I'm also a police officer, so I'm taking one of those as evidence. Chuck it over, Gran.' 'Charming.' She reluctantly withdrew a…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(An ending) May's gentle, melancholic smile was lost in advancing shadows. 'I want, more than anything - ' But he stopped himself from speaking, and allowed himself to be engulfed in the encroaching darkness. 'I know what you want,' said Bryant. 'I was just thinking of the city in the most recent quarter of its life. All the dark and bloody history that's being forgotten so quickly out there…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Bryant and Maggie Armitage) He paused to take a good look at his old friend Maggie Armitage. 'What happened to you?' The Grade IV White Witch and leader of North London's Coven of St James The Elder was spattered in pink paint, not a nice pink either, but a shade that could best be described as Tired Marshmallow. 'I was preparing a philtre for Dierdre,' she explained, 'because her sex life has…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(A typical Bryant & May minor character appearance) The Café Montmartre (Open 24hrs For Hot Snacks) was the second most inappropriately named restaurant ever to appear in central London (the first was the Beverly Hills Nail Salon, Whitechapel). The owner, a former nightclub promoter called Alfie Frommidge, had changed the name from Alf's Cafe in order to attract a new upmarket clientele, but all…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Sergeant Janice Longbright attempts entry into a group that meets in a pub) 'I'm here for the Conspirators' Club,' said Longbright. 'Well of course, you would say that, wouldn't you? You could have read that on our website. Anyone could have read that, found out the address and just come in here off the street, and we have no way of knowing if they're friend or foe. Do you know the password?' 'Oh…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Bryant and his landlady on his habits) 'Are you insinuating I don't keep a clean house?' asked Alma, mortified. 'All these years I've been looking after you, with your spilled chemicals and your disgusting experiments. Who fed rotting pork to carnivorous plants on top of his wardrobe during the heatwave of 1974?' 'That helped me catch the Kew Gardens Strangler, if you recall.' 'You boiled my…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Coroner Oswald Finch on the Peculiar Crimes Unit) 'Good God, look at your resources, they're embarrassing. You've no crime lab of your own, you're forever cadging equipment downtime from the Met. We live in an era of mitochondrial DNA matches, environmental signature indices and psychological profiling, and you're still sullying crime scenes with your sausage fingers and poking about in filthy…
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Christopher Fowler
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Bryant & May
(Bryant and May on surveillance duty) 'My foot's gone to sleep,' complained Bryant, stamping experimentally on the pavement. For the past hour they had been standing in the mist-shrouded garden beside their suspect's house. 'Nearly eleven p.m. I wish he'd hurry up. I have to say you're not much company.' 'I needn't have come at all,' May pointed out. 'This isn't my case.' 'Yes, I suppose stakeouts…
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