The Twelve Quotes Of Bryant & May: No.5

Bryant and May

PCU1

(Bryant and his landlady on his habits)

‘Are you insinuating I don’t keep a clean house?’ asked Alma, mortified. ‘All these years I’ve been looking after you, with your spilled chemicals and your disgusting experiments. Who fed rotting pork to carnivorous plants on top of his wardrobe during the heatwave of 1974?’

‘That helped me catch the Kew Gardens Strangler, if you recall.’

‘You boiled my tropical fish in 1968, and filled my bedroom with mustard gas.’

‘In order to track the Deptford Demon, as well you know. I didn’t realise your aunt was sleeping in the house at the time.’

She could have mentioned that the ancient detective also grew plague germs in her baking trays and ruined her best kitchen knives putting stab wounds in sides of beef to determine methods of death. He had also rewired the toaster to see if it could be made to electrocute anyone walking across a wet kitchen floor in bare feet, and had been able to answer in the affirmative after nearly setting fire to a Jehovah’s Witness. ‘You filled my sink with sulphuric acid last Christmas, and if I hadn’t been wearing Marigolds to do the washing up, I’d have ended up in hospital. Took the finish right off my plug, but did I complain?’

‘You most certainly did, Madam, and the fact that you bring it up at the drop of a hat reminds me how long you bear the grudge.’

From ‘White Corridor’

3 comments on “The Twelve Quotes Of Bryant & May: No.5”

  1. Dan Terrell says:

    A funny, very funny, bit and enjoyable again and again. It is so character right and so revealing of their characters. It is truly amazing Alma has not brained him with her cast iron fry-up skillet. Of course, that would submerge his head so deep into his swaddling scarves and heavy overcoat, he’d have to change his pipe for a periscope in order navigate.

  2. Helen Martin says:

    And according to Mythbusters, Bryant should have been using sides of pork, not beef. Perhaps Brits in situ are built differently to North Americans, though, and therefore beef sides work.

  3. Shuku says:

    Plague germs in baking trays! I want some of those.

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