Couldn’t They Retire The Oscars Now?

The Arts

zardoz-1-530x677It’s starting to feel like Miss World or the Eurovision Song Contest, ie. of no consequence to anyone but the organisers. It has little or no effect on box office and always rewards the wrong films. This year we had ‘Argo’, a pleasant little film which would once have graced half of a double bill. Presumably, Hollywood loved the idea that it might be relevant to world events. ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ was a whiny Gentile Woody Allen film with a lead character who could have been nominated as ‘Least Likeable Performer’. ‘Life of Pi’ was very pretty, like ‘What Dreams May Come’ with a CGI tiger that decisively proved we won’t need real animals in the future. ‘Lincoln’ consisted of ‘Star Wars 4’s council scenes in period dress, in a ‘Well Done Us For Repealing Slavery’ backslapping mode, although it did drive me back to the history books to learn about the birth of the Republican party (which explained a lot, by the way).

Costumes and Hair and Makeup always go to outlandish period films because the academy don’t notice anything subtle, and Something Big always gets ignored, in this case the Emperor’s New Clothes that was ‘The Master’.

‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Skyfall’, the two most purely pleasurable mainstream movies of the year, were notable mainly by their absence, as was the more controversial  ‘Zero Dark Thirty’. That’s it for another year. Next year expect the awards to go to a film about a talking duck on Mars, Hollywood’s involvement in the sub-prime mortgage scandal and a Tourette’s sufferer who falls in love with a deaf girl.

So let’s have Huffpo’s Hollywood mash-up of How Women Dance When There Aren’t Any Men Around instead.

9 comments on “Couldn’t They Retire The Oscars Now?”

  1. Dan Terrell says:

    Well, I rather liked this year’s Oscars. And I greatly enjoyed the Huffpo’s Hollywood mash-up.
    However, I dispute the mash-up’s title. Women either do or they don’t… dance and they’d with men if they’d stay around.
    In my life experience, which has been sistered up, rocked with grandmothers, a mother who kept in contact with female school friends – one of whom (to her surprise) birthed a Jefferson Airplane/Starship guitarist – and a wife with moves, I have always thought women would pop out onto the floor no matter who was about.
    I’ve found just three things are needed: music that inspires their moves, any sort of floor space (suggest a fast nippering about if at home early on to distance lamps, remove crystal glasses, and closet the porcelain obj.s d’art) and then lubricating favorites: champaigne, wine wine (or red for some), and that most barefoot-moving of all – trees-worth of freshly-blendered peach daiquiris. (Try the last at your risk.)
    Recently was at a wedding where approxiately a hundred-fifty women, teens to way older, took to the dance floor and with great coordination – the first hour or so anyway – rocked through the night, while their husbands and dates tall hardy guys soon hightailed away with cases of beer until dawn. Could this be why women dance without men?
    And it began with one young woman taking the floor and in best MGM musical manner singing out: “Got to dance, Got to dance” – soon call and answer – “Got to Dance” and so it began.

  2. Dan Terrell says:

    …and they’d dance with men… insert in line two above.

  3. snowy says:

    Classic film, they don’t make them like that anymore.

    Was made to watch the ‘Academy Awards’ once, after the comedian had delivered his ‘zingers’ I asked those with me, how was this different from any other dreary little trade dinner? The best I got was “It’s the Oscars” and an old-fshioned look. And I could never work out why a film that was foreign by definition [British] was not in the Foreign film category. [I think they fudged the entry requirements].

    I’m sure the ‘International Forklift Truck of the Year Show’ is an absolute riot, the mixture of heavy drinking and heavy machinery being ripe with possibilities for disaster.

    It would probably be more fun to watch the ‘World Toilet Organisation Awards’, [than the ‘Oscars’] they at least have a nice line in self-deprecating humour. Most obviously much too scatological to repeat here.

  4. Helen Martin says:

    If you haven’t heard of, let alone seen the movies then there is absolutely no point in watching at all – unless you’re a fashionista and want to see the clothes. What is the point, by the way, in mentioning the brand of shoes worn by a young whose gown literally drags on the ground?

  5. Helen Martin says:

    By “a young woman” of course. Unless she’s being paid to wear them. And why mention the price of her jewelry, unless it’s to make us envious? (We had photos in our paper today.)

  6. Jon Masters says:

    Only Hobbit part 3 is likely to win anything, just as we had to wait until Return of the King for LOTR. And even then they may feel PJ has already had his recognition for similar work.

  7. Fiona says:

    My main annoyance was Brave winning over Frankenweenie. HOW?

    The Master was probably ignored due to Cruise-control.

    My favourite film of the year was Seven Psychopaths. I also liked Good Vibrations.

    One of the best Oscars was when Chris Rock interviewed people at the cinema to ask them their favourite film of the year and they pretty much went for White Chicks and hadn’t seen any of the films up for Best Film. Hilarious.

  8. glasgow1975 says:

    I think The Hobbit opened after the voting cut off for these Oscars, which I believe is 30th November.
    Technically, yes it came out in the eligibility period, but do people vote for films that haven’t opened yet?
    So no $45000 0scar goodiebag for Admin? Is that why Admin got a bit ranty?
    Bond got a special tribute, who’d have thought Birley Shassey would be singing at the Oscars?

  9. Cynthia says:

    Can I give a little love to Our Ben? “Argo” was a good movie, compelling and suspenseful. We actually paid money to see it.
    And thanks for the dancing women sequence, although it did have the Keaton creature (OY), it also had Audrey Hepburn dancing for Fred Astaire. That is magical.

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