Welcome To The Olympics; Now F**k Off

London

The Guardian has published an amusing guide to English etiquette for incoming Olympics visitors here. There have also been warnings that Londoners tend to swear a lot. To that advice I can add;

Please remember that the word ‘F**k’ is used much as the verb ‘to go’. As in ‘So I f**ked off over the pub.’ ‘I’m a bit f**ked’ means ‘my train is late’. ‘F**king hell’ is an expression of mild annoyance or surprise.

When a Londoner says ‘We must get together some time’ it means ‘F**k off’.

To anyone whose knowledge of the UK is based on Masterpiece Theater and the reminiscences of a grandfather who was last here just after the war; our food isn’t at all bad, but the correct response to the restaurant prices may be ‘F**k me!’.

If you think it’s great that the police aren’t armed, try walking through a South London tube station with a rolled-up newspaper.

If you don’t want people to say ‘We must get together some time’, don’t wear a side parting or a tie and don’t mention Jesus.

If you’re from Africa, be prepared to put up with someone telling you they know your country because they went on a ten-day holiday to the Gambia.

When things go horribly wrong with the transport system, don’t swear; write a mildly sarcastic email to someone who isn’t in charge.

Feel free to add your own etiquette points here.

7 comments on “Welcome To The Olympics; Now F**k Off”

  1. Dan Terrell says:

    A quite amusing guide and supplement.
    May we assume that, except for the first several days of August, you will be relocating to the countryside? Or back to Spain? Or something in earthquake-stressed New Zealand?
    And an update, please: Have you let out your London place for a small fortune, as previously discussed?
    If you’re staying in town, we over here are sending over a dozen or so Airbus-loads of TSA people for scattering about your airports while the Olympics are on. Feel safe.

  2. Bramble says:

    I laughed at the original article in the Guardian. And laughed more at your additions. Thank you for improving a bad day.

  3. snowy says:

    Never pay the price demanded for a newspaper; good-natured haggling is customary.

    On first entering an underground train, it is customary to shake hands with every passenger.

    Our prostitues stand outside offices smoking cigarettes.

    Taxi driving is a lonely life – encourage drivers to share their opinions.

    Traffic Wardens are usually addressed as ‘Tit Face’.

    Lonely Hearts: Try writing you phone number in heavy magic marker on the inside of phone booths.

    Before leaving a swimming pool, it is considered polite to top it up.

    (Most taken from the New Statesman or ISIHAC)

  4. snowy says:

    I have just recalled at least one of the above was recycled from Gerard Hoffnung’s 1958 address to the Oxford Union. Which contains many gems like the Bricklayers tale and advertisments to entice English travellers abroad.

  5. Steve says:

    Don’t try to feed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square.
    They’ve all been turned into pies.

  6. Steve says:

    Or is it “in to”?

    Bother.

  7. Alan Morgan says:

    ‘You having a laugh?’ is not an invitation to do so.

    Using rhyming slang is to be discouraged, but more confusingly whilst few go up the apples and pears many people do go for a ruby.

    The pub closest to the tube is almost always the worst (except in Turnpike Lane, and then if you like pool).

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