The Horror. The Horror.

Film, Observatory

For a while now I’ve been disappointed with kids. They’re meant to be shocking. They’re meant to outrage us middle-agers. We’re meant to be half-scared/ half-appalled by them. Right now kids should be up in arms, dressing crazily and behaving badly. But instead what happens? Nothing. It’s a crummy time to be a kid from a low-income background; you won’t get to college, you won’t have a house and you definitely won’t become a celebrity.

Unless of course you’re Justin Bieber, who drives 3% of the world’s entire Twitter traffic and is the most Goggled name on Earth. He’s a singer, of course, because there seems to be no other activity on the planet now that children are interested in, and he’s – well, horrible. No, something far and deeply beyond horrible, like Nazis crossed with beetroot-flavoured yoghurt, a kind of plastic robot spouting rubbish in a feather-cut. Like Donnie Osmond Goes To Hell.

If, like me, this phenomenon entirely passed you by (I don’t have children so how would I have known?) read this ghastly article and feel part of your brain atrophy as you do so. By the end of it, you’ll be offering to fund an assassination organisation.

Then again, why not let the great commercial machine take its course? We’ll watch the ubiquity, the fall, the rehab, the flop films, the career reboot and the obscurity together, safe and glad in the knowledge that we were obscure to start with.

At least kids are shocking again.

10 comments on “The Horror. The Horror.”

  1. Wow, that article was truly egregious. Fortunately I’m also old enough to have been oblivious to the whole phenomenon. A while ago I stumbled upon a youtube clip of some vacuous kid saying he didn’t know what the word German meant, but the name Justin Bieber meant nothing to me. Now I foresee a future where armies of androgynous Hilary Swank lookalikes who sing like 12 year old girls have taken over the world.
    Might make a good horror novel.

  2. GumshoeDunn says:

    Perhaps you could kill him in the next Bryant and May book. Perhaps that’s too harsh and who knows Arthur may be a fan. On second thought you had better disregard this entire post and stick to listening to the Killers while working. Just in case…

  3. Alan Morgan says:

    I agree, please let’s be clear. Though let’s also be fair and wonder how we would like to have had our every word quoted and our every half formed opinion aired at the age of 16? Or rather shown to us some years later? We must remember that it is the job of 16 year olds to be (apologies for the technical term) arseholes. That’s perfectly fine, right and proper. You were, I was, everyone. The difference between us all at 16 and 18, let alone 21 can be astonishing. Being this person – I can’t remember the name and don’t wish to scroll up, sorry – you’ve got two paths in life. You either continue being and then more awfully so, an arsehole as you grow older. Or you look back and wince at every word you said unable because of who you were to forget it all, to add a little gloss where you cannot and generally as they say – move on. Unfortunately it is likely that everything you do will be painted with the same arsehole brush*. It’s very much the duty of 20something declared-famous people to fall over a lot outside the Hawley Arms and frankly I would rather my soul singers/rock stars/whatever of that age were doing that, driving cars into swimming pools and/or waking up naked in court and the papers. But whilst some (many no doubt) would consider said 20something fame-lout to be indeed an arsehole also – then if that person had also been a famous 16 year old tool then everyone will. You will always be 16, and hated by those that loved you then for not being so when of course you are not.

    And they will in all likelihood be right.

    *Now there’s a picture to treasure.

  4. Steve says:

    I know Western culture (?) tends to worship youth, but 16? Seems almost pedophilic (if that’s a word). Didn’t they used to at least be 20-somethings?

  5. Anne Fernie says:

    I’m old enough to remember the whole Donny Osmond, David Cassidy thing and it was no different then. Luckily we didnt have cyberspace which meant you could ignore it to some extent if you wanted to…….

  6. Drew says:

    You clearly aren’t the only one who is horrified by Justin. A recent (legitimate) internet poll concerning where he should visit on his next tour was hijacked, and the winning vote on where he should go – by a very wide margin – was North Korea.

  7. Steve says:

    North Korea is too close. How about Mars? The atmosphere is too thin for him to sing.

  8. Helen Martin says:

    He’s Canadian, too, isn’t he? We’re not coming across any too well on this blog, are we? I’m afraid to agree with Alan Morgan, but a lot of the problem has to do with being a teenager and being quoted in the media. A friend of mine said that teenagers should be put into suspended animation at age twelve and not resuscitated until age 21 or maturity was reached, whichever came first.

  9. I.A.M. says:

    He is, sadly, Canadian. Plus, he’s got his autobiography out.

    Look at that Face. Go on, look at it.

    Yes, that’s the face of person whose memoir has already been published. I’d have used “memoirs”, except he’s not been alive long enough to have a plural of memoir.

    …git.

  10. Helen Martin says:

    He looks such a sweet little boy. Surely that memoir was written for him, since he hasn’t had enough education to be able to pad out his lack of experience sufficiently to fill a real book.

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