Why Producers Are A Bunch Of Lying Toads

London
A Producer Today

A Producer Today

This is what I did last night, and why you should never, ever trust producers.

The Plan: To attend short birthday party in the Phoenix Bar at 7pm, go on to a pub called the Yorkshire Grey to meet writer friends at 8pm.

Earlier: A producer calls at 4pm and says can An Actor (well-known person) make a short film of one of my stories? I say Yes. He says Can I find a copy of it and get it to him (producer) urgently.

I find book, go to photocopy shop and scan the pages, seal them in envelope, call producer and say I have it. He says Can you bring it to me, I’m in Soho. I say I will be in the Phoenix at 7pm, how’s that? He says Great, I’ll come and get it.

8pm: No sign of producer. I call him, he says Sorry, meeting took longer than I thought, I’ll be there shortly. Meanwhile birthday boy is getting drunk.

9pm. Still no sign of producer. I call again and clearly hear sounds of a bar in background. He says I’m watching the football with Mr X (a recently fired producer). I’ll be there when the football finishes at 9:30pm – wait for me.

10pm. Still no sign of producer. I call and he says I’m about to leave. Birthday boy now fighting drunk.

11pm. I call again. Producer says I’m in Quo Vadis club, come over. Furious, I leave the Phoenix and head over there with the envelope.

11:30pm I locate producer, coked off his head. I ask Why didn’t you come to Phoenix? He says Let’s face it, I was never going to come there, it’s a dump.
Almost on the verge of hitting him, I hand him the envelope. He says Great I’ll be right back.

12:00pm Producer texts me and says he’s gone home. I look around and find the envelope under his barstool, on the floor.

7 comments on “Why Producers Are A Bunch Of Lying Toads”

  1. I.A.M. says:

    This is why God invented e-mail, the only sure way of shoving the requested material in PDF form at person who will be happy to delete it in the end. This method provides you with the ability to hate them without the requirement of traipsing all over Hell’s Half-Acre.

    Just try to remember the producer’s character doesn’t mirror the character of The Actor.

  2. Helen Martin says:

    No matter how much one would like to see one’s writing in film (on film? filmed?) ruining an evening like that is only barely worth it. And that’s only with a positive outcome. He doesn’t sound like someone who should be let out without a keeper.

  3. Stephen Groves says:

    Hi Chris,
    Sorry you had to experiance that level of incompetance.
    The man is an arse , he has no respect and is not worth the memory.

    Regards
    Steve

  4. Steve says:

    What a dickwad.

  5. Justin Gowers says:

    He’s pond scum.

    I am loving Paperboy. It’s the first book of yours that I’ve read. Where have you been all of my life?

  6. Cate Toward says:

    You’re good, that’s the Idea, the Plot and the Characters. Hmm…
    What happened next?
    (Sorry, just read your Writing Course thingy.)

  7. I was asking yourself what is up with that weird gravatar??? I know 5am is early and I’m not looking my greatest at that hour, but I hope I don’t look like this! I might possibly however make that face if I’m asked to do 100 pushups. lol

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