In no particular order;
White middle-class authors complaining that they feel as if they are in a minority and are being discriminated against. Try this; grow up and write better.
Private members’ clubs filled with demented screaming media folk with ironically flattened hair. (They usually have faux-fifties wallpaper and offer comfort food at prices that would have kept your grandmother going for a year or more.)
Recession-proof theatre. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Keep the damned woman out of the West End, and send Andrew Lloyd-Webber with her.
(How about dumping every show that’s been running for more than ten years? They can always be revived in newer, sharper productions later.)
Somebody, somewhere produce a newsstand magazine that’s readable! I’m not interested in belts, shoes, watches, where TV stars go in the evenings or why the next Bond girl thinks her role is empowering.
Searingly bright-hued films aimed at attention deficit children. And no more films about talking animals. There are quite enough of those in the audience, thank you.
And while we’re on the subject, no more gothic vampire tales that are thinly disguised conservative tracts about not having sex until you meet ‘the one’.
Male fashion models in tight tiny grey cardigans who look like teenaged granddads.
Any device you have to attach to your TV/ Broadband/ DVD player/ computer/ Cable box in order to get anything to work. And stop calling it a set-top box! TV sets are too slim to stand anything on these days unless you use Blu-Tack.
Books/ albums/ movies/ clothing lines by the children of the famous. It’s called Trickledown Talent, you start with Pablo Picasso and end up with Paloma. Although in the case of Keith and Lily Allen it makes no difference.
An eReader that promises to be the future format of literature but can’t even sort out Wi-Fi. Come on, you’ve a ready customer here if you can just get it together, but so far it’s been pretty disappointing.
Meanwhile, here’s to the return of the things we missed in 2008…grace, style, charm, passion, elegance, wit, charisma, delicacy, acceptance – and peace.
A Very Happy 2009!