Things I Don’t Need In The Year Ahead (But Will Probably End Up Seeing Anyway)

London

In no particular order;

White middle-class authors complaining that they feel as if they are in a minority and are being discriminated against. Try this; grow up and write better.

Private members’ clubs filled with demented screaming media folk with ironically flattened hair. (They usually have faux-fifties wallpaper and offer comfort food at prices that would have kept your grandmother going for a year or more.)

Recession-proof theatre. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Keep the damned woman out of the West End, and send Andrew Lloyd-Webber with her.
(How about dumping every show that’s been running for more than ten years? They can always be revived in newer, sharper productions later.)

Somebody, somewhere produce a newsstand magazine that’s readable! I’m not interested in belts, shoes, watches, where TV stars go in the evenings or why the next Bond girl thinks her role is empowering.

Searingly bright-hued films aimed at attention deficit children. And no more films about talking animals. There are quite enough of those in the audience, thank you.

And while we’re on the subject, no more gothic vampire tales that are thinly disguised conservative tracts about not having sex until you meet ‘the one’.

Male fashion models in tight tiny grey cardigans who look like teenaged granddads.

Any device you have to attach to your TV/ Broadband/ DVD player/ computer/ Cable box in order to get anything to work. And stop calling it a set-top box! TV sets are too slim to stand anything on these days unless you use Blu-Tack.

Books/ albums/ movies/ clothing lines by the children of the famous. It’s called Trickledown Talent, you start with Pablo Picasso and end up with Paloma. Although in the case of Keith and Lily Allen it makes no difference.

An eReader that promises to be the future format of literature but can’t even sort out Wi-Fi. Come on, you’ve a ready customer here if you can just get it together, but so far it’s been pretty disappointing.

Meanwhile, here’s to the return of the things we missed in 2008…grace, style, charm, passion, elegance, wit, charisma, delicacy, acceptance – and peace.

A Very Happy 2009!

7 comments on “Things I Don’t Need In The Year Ahead (But Will Probably End Up Seeing Anyway)”

  1. I.A.M. says:

    May one add a few to the list above:
    gits who are proud of the fact they aremedia people who provide the above gits with public exposurepeople who are running for, or who cover the campaigns for, public office and who also fall into one of the above two items
    Thank you for this wonderful public service.

  2. Steve says:

    I rather like Webber, for the same reason I enjoy Vincent Price….both are so, well….over the top….!

    And on this side of the pond….criminal Governors with really bad hair. Must go.

  3. Mike Cane says:

    >>>An eReader that promises to be the future format of literature but can’t even sort out Wi-Fi. Come on, you’ve a ready customer here if you can just get it together, but so far it’s been pretty disappointing.

    Ah, well, commenting here, I just realized I can no longer fill in the “wbsite” field. R.I.P. blog.

    Come on, Chris, a USB cable isn’t that bad! You’d most likely have to use it anyway to *back up* the eBooks.

    ECTACO’s jetBook, btw, does drag & drop loading of eBooks — no library software needed (hence, Mac-friendly!). However, they will be adding some form of MobiPocket and ePub support soon, and that could change things. Don’t know if DRMed of either will be used. Right now, jetBook mainly does plain text. Yecch. Oh, and they might be adding WiFi to it too.

    Happy New Year, Christopher!!

  4. Steve says:

    Of course, I love my Kindle, but it relies on the Sprint network, which is hardly ubiquitous even in the States. When necessary, you can download files to the desktop and USB them onto the Kindle. It’s like carrying an entire library around with you. Including some works by one Christopher Fowler, thank you very much :)

  5. D G says:

    I’m not going to have to ditch my lovely blue cardy am I? It keeps me cosy in my single glazed, draughty Glasgow tenement!

  6. Jackson says:

    People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. I see you have traveled through plenty of experience over the years. Glad to be a reader of yours

  7. Bob McEwen says:

    Interesting article. Were did you got all the information from…

Comments are closed.